Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
You Might Also Like
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
✌🏽
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]