Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers