6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on peoples heads.
7yo: why do you need to be a bird?
my 7yo is ready for twitter.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
“woah wait its back on again”
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police
calling a guy “my ex”
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend
calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-but makes me look pathetic
damn girl are you a mouse because your body is decomposing in my drywall
I thought I just had a bad headache but according to WebMD I’m a conjoined twin slowly dying from jaundice.