@zero3_benz

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

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@robin_991

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on peoples heads.
7yo: why do you need to be a bird?

my 7yo is ready for twitter.

@ArfMeasures

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

@ChipKellysBalls

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

@occupied_stall

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

@leechee420

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

@KeetPotato

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
wtf
“woah wait its back on again”
no way
“great he’s stole my nose now”
im phoning the police

@danadonly

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

@gabemakesmusic

damn girl are you a mouse because your body is decomposing in my drywall

@brakco

I thought I just had a bad headache but according to WebMD I’m a conjoined twin slowly dying from jaundice.