FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
reviewed some movies recently
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.