Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
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No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
All set.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.