fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Them: You should try keto
Me:
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
With a text.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence