FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
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Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats