Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
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Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
This is my emotional support knife.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.