Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*Seductively hides in the woods
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.