– Russian mattress repairman
Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything
You Might Also Like
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Me: starting now.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up
Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
How long does a guest have to overstay before you can claim them on your taxes?