Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.