We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
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ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
the simulation is moving too fast
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.