Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
You Might Also Like
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.