@zachreinert03

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

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@LeahTiscione

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

@stinky_blinders

Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???

@9to5Life

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My kids are being jerks.”

“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”

“Are you gonna send help?”

“…”

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I have never seen this before: You have no bones!”

Me: “Really? Could the x-ray be broken?”

Doctor: “Ignore what I just said.”

@KattsDogma

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

@copymama

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

@3sunzzz

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

@qwajo_jnr

You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem