Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
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My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.