Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*