Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
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Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.