Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

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You gotta love Jesus.
He’s born, you get presents. He dies, you get chocolate.


Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises


I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?


wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]


[During an ultrasound scan]

Doctor:The baby looks fine.

Mom:See? that’s your baby sister in there!

3:What??Mom, why did you eat the baby?


MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.


Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*