Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
My dad.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Money is the root of all wealth