Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

You Might Also Like


The worst thing about middle aged dating is you legitimately don’t know if you’ve been ghosted or the object of your affections has just died.


Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?


Goes to a psychic

Her: your aura is yellow a very nice softness to you, you are a very warm and loving person but when people make you angry you…



Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita


The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.


What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]


So you’re into the “bad boy” type? The kind who has a dark side, a tough childhood, breaks the law, everyone knows his name but dare not speak it, could use a nose job and a manicure?
Yeah, that’s Voldemort. You’re into Voldemort.


If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.