@copymama

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

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@flowersofmyself

The worst thing about middle aged dating is you legitimately don’t know if you’ve been ghosted or the object of your affections has just died.

@carlyken

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

@skedaddle74

Goes to a psychic

Her: your aura is yellow a very nice softness to you, you are a very warm and loving person but when people make you angry you…

Me: PEE ON THEM!

@envydatropic

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

@HatfieldAnne

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

@InternetHippo

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

@anniealone23

So you’re into the “bad boy” type? The kind who has a dark side, a tough childhood, breaks the law, everyone knows his name but dare not speak it, could use a nose job and a manicure?
Yeah, that’s Voldemort. You’re into Voldemort.

@AmandaRNH

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.