Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
You Might Also Like
👾👾👾
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?