Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
You Might Also Like
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.