FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
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[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Is fake venison called venisn鈥檛
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 馃え
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Dogs are too pure for this world 馃ズ馃ズ
#goldenretriever #dogs
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
they really do be looking like this
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Husband: You鈥檙e not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows