Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
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If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.
ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You’re weak.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I enjoy long walks away from co-workers who say “Hey ya gotta watch this 10 minute YouTube video”.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.