@MrC2daG

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

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@UnFitz

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

@fro_vo

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

@blade_funner

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

@MeetYourDaddy

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

@HairyJew4Life

Me: What’s one thing you don’t like about your girlfriend?

Him: She doesn’t swallow.

Me: What? How does she eat?

@bIessbaby

*gets abducted by aliens* thank you. you have no idea how much i hated living on that planet

@professorkiosk

Games are for those who like to restrict themselves arbitrarily to certain actions for a specified period of time in the hopes of “winning.”

@Mindless4Miles

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

@weismanjake

Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters