Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.


Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.


There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.


YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.

ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You’re weak.


Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.


Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?


Her: when’s my birthday Kyle


Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday


I enjoy long walks away from co-workers who say “Hey ya gotta watch this 10 minute YouTube video”.


Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.


friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*


If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.