Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.