“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.
A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.
I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.
In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.