@egg_dog

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

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@ianpauldukes

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

@FilthyRichmond

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

@AristotlesNZ

My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.

@iliza

A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.

@hazelmotes1

I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day

@thepunningman

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

@JohnFugelsang

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

@jimmy_sharpe

I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.

@Parentpains

In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.