@egg_dog

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

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@hippieswordfish

[arcade]
KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine
DAD: hey buddy, why don’t you give the kid a turn
LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE’RE IN LOVE

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

@bossy_bootz

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

@murrman5

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

@TheAlexNevil

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

@pilau

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

@GreenishDuck

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

@envydatropic

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken