facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Can. I. Help. You.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.