“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
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[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
She was REALLY feeling it.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Perfection.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
#Caturday
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy