Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.

You Might Also Like


Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.


Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.


Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.


Whoever named a pack of Hyenas a Cackle should name more groups of animals.


girl: My dad died when i was little, his car got hit by a train
Me: what kind of train


Her: are you even listening? I said I’m breaking up with you!

Me: *biting my burger into a Batman symbol* na na na na na na na na BUR-GERR!


FRIEND: Women like when you’re honest with them.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn’t bring any money.


Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.


To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*