@LaetPO

Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.

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@PAT_E_ROCK

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

@CroweJam

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

@squirrel74wkgn

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

@JohnLyonTweets

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

@shesananteater

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

@squirrel74wkgn

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

@GrantTanaka

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

@hippieswordfish

[in traction] Before you ask, yes you can make cheese from moose milk and no I didn’t think she’d spook so easy.