Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread and wrists.
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“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Marijuana may cause paranoia but so does watching CNN.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Friend: You look tired
Me: It’s been a long life
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
[in traction] Before you ask, yes you can make cheese from moose milk and no I didn’t think she’d spook so easy.