Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
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If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”