Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
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I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
hotels smell exactly like their nightly rate
Regardless of the restaurant, I throw the peanut shells on the floor. If they don’t have peanuts I bring my own.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …