@XplodingUnicorn

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

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@JohnDuffy21

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

@ieatanddrink

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

@KrunkedRobot

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

@jergarl

hotels smell exactly like their nightly rate

@Hobo_Splendido

Regardless of the restaurant, I throw the peanut shells on the floor. If they don’t have peanuts I bring my own.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

@roxiqt

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

@OakHill_

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

@ChipKellysBalls

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …