Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
You Might Also Like
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me driving through Toronto
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My dad is at it again
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating