The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.