Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
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Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.