Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
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My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not