One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Bruh PLEASE
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!