@timothybird186

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

- @timothybird186

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@Mr_Kapowski

Me: (talking to anyone)

Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!

@radtoria

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

@3sunzzz

You smell wonderful. Can I ask what you’re wearing?

Sure, it’s the perfume sample on page 49 in April’s Cosmo.

@omgthatspunny

All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.

@caliluvgirl77

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

@wolfmannjr

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

@Rollmaninoz

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

@better_off_dad

Doc: So you’re not sleeping?
Me: nah
D: how much water do you drink?
M: a glass a day
D: Alcohol?
M: 4 glasses
D: Coffee?
M: Yes, please