@Artemis_Ascends

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

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@kbnoswag

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

@Ivsy01

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@decentbirthday

Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch

@BackrowSeats

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.

@tnylgn

If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.

@AndrewNadeau0

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

@doctorveritas

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

@LostFelicia

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

@ericsshadow

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.