Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

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I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us


A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.


Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch


Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.


If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.


JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.


“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.


I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.


Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.