Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I can also cook 😂
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Body by Oreos
Sooo many times…..
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.