@R0ckG0d88

Fairly certain this toddler staring at me across this waiting room wants to start some shit.

You Might Also Like

@iwearaonesie

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

@senderblock23

No, I said I wanted to BING you on my kitchen counter. You know, the popular search engine?

@SamuelHLowe

– What’s your cell phone?
– iPhone.
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.

@WilliamAder

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

@nyquills

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

@MandiAtRandom

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

@IGotsSmarts

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

@ellentee

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

@nopoweradeinusa

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

@Matt_The_1st

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house