FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”