@KarenKilgariff

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

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@IvoryGazelle

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

@ficklenuts

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

@TheBoydP

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

@DamonHunzeker

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

@sammyrhodes

1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List

@whostrevors

A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁

@Mom_Overboard

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

@bea_ker

Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?

Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour

*courtroom gasps*

@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”