Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
1. Ask for something. 2. Throw it down. 3. Repeat steps 1 & 2. – Toddler To Do List
A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can’t jump high enough to be in the “mid air” beach picture 🙁
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?
Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”