“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
sleeping beauty
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.