If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
You Might Also Like
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.