fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago