Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
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I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.