Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.


Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot


Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this


I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket


[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare


I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.


Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.