Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
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The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Things I’m doing today
* going to the gym
* having sex
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”
Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“That’s what” – She
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”
What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”