Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
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Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe