@Jandalize

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

You Might Also Like

@Dutch_50

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@baconacid

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

@InternetHippo

[hell]
Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this

@darkpassenger74

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

@hamersauce

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

@ADHDeanASL

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

@my_minivan_life

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.