@Jandalize

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

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@darksidedeb

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

@FinallyHeSleeps

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

@BeeeejEsq

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

@LurkAtHomeMom

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

@stephenjmolloy

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

@Gupton68

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

@LittleLostLad

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

@MyMomologue

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”