[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
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Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD