[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny