@KWalps

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

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@Ygrene

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

@pleatedjeans

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

@chrellsangel

DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.

@_NinJar

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

@DBMaxP

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

@KenJennings

PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?

@aligarchy

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

@jonnysun

grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again

me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road