[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
DATE: It’s expensive here.
ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?
*hovers mouse over send button*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again
me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road