[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
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How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Lmfaoooooo
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad