*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Mornin. * use accordingly
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Salad is the decaf of food.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson