@RandomlyMJ

Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.

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@Reverend_Scott

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

@heytherejeffro

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

@daemonic3

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

@EndhooS

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

@zachreinert03

As I get closer to 30 I start to worry about more big picture things like famine and over population in my apartment

@BuckyIsotope

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

@UncleDuke1969

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

@OzCricketFan81

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool