7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I will never stop laughing at this
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Go hard or stay average
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT