Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
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“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023