Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
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On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies