The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.
*The fault in our Jars*
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If im walking around with my arms crossed, there’s a 90% chance im not mad…Im just probably not wearing a bra
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Me: In any language.
This is why I’m crazy.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.