@_Awwsomeness_

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

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@iamspacegirl

The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.

@Glitta_J

If im walking around with my arms crossed, there’s a 90% chance im not mad…Im just probably not wearing a bra

@AimeeHelene1

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

@SondraDeeMe

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

@Cheeseboy22

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

@TheBoydP

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

@Alvildalikely

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

@XplodingUnicorn

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.