Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Bootstraps
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
This is me
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor