FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
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joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?