*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
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Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
turning my gender off to conserve energy
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)